Thursday, September 1, 2011

The biggest waste of gas, money and expectation for having an enjoyable evening ever: A Prose, by Bridget Kelly

reblogged from sometime earlier this summer...
You meet a really cool person, and then you want to hang out with this person after you start talking to them and you realize that indeed they are as, if not moreso, cool as you thought. So, you plan to go see a movie.
Okay. Movies are great. I don’t have a problem with movies. Except they are usually easier to enjoy when you are sitting with people you have shared more memories with than a few text messages and the day you met. Just saying.
So Yeah, I’ll see a movie with you…oh great, a movie…Oh, you want to see it at AMC in Fitchberg?…I’m gonna have to drive aren’t I?…Well yeah, I suppose I know how to get to Belleville…seriously??…it’s only at 40 minutes away…you have NEVER driven 40 minutes to do ANYTHING, Bridget, let alone see a movie that is showing in the theatre in YOUR CITY…meet you at- Subway?…Where the hell is their Subway, more importantly: Why does my life revolve around Subways?!?…Yeah, I suppose it’s fine if we go with your friend Nate and his girlfriend Sophia…Woah, so this has suddenly turned from a movie to not only a date, but a DOUBLE-DATE!!!…Erm, yeah. So I should call you when I get to Belleville…Which I am driving to at 9:30 p.m., therefor it is freaking DARK!!!
So…Driving, driving, driving. Driving.
So you finally get there, pull into a sketchy abandoned subway/family dollar parking lot, and get out of your car, only to get into your friend’s car. His friend Nate and his girlfriend Sophia exchange the minimal amount of pleasantries to make you feel like you are accepted on this outing, even though THEY were the ones who your friend invited AFTER he invited you.
Sophia’s general demenor is that of a flustered, excited little bird, who happens to be a bit slutty. She chomps on her Spearmint gum, which you can smell even though you are sitting in the front seat, and giggles CONSTANTLY about whatever dirty/stupid/guy-ish things Nate is whispering in her ear. Nate is to be discribed in one phrase: The Unfortunate Douchbag. He’s the rare type of douchbag that gets the name because he makes ‘funny’ jokes about his own sexuality, playing on the idea that he is gay and has the hots for your friend, even while his hand has mysteriously disappeared from sight in the back seat with Sophia.
Sophia and Nate’s conversation eventually stops, but you aren’t relieved….Now they are making out. Audibly. And you can still smell that DAMN SPEARMINT GUM!!!!!
The front seat action is much more formal. And probably more comical, too, from an outsider’s veiw. Yes, I know that rhymed… You sit in the passenger’s seat, hands clasped, legs crossed at the ankle, looking out the window because you can’t think of a single thing to say, and you are already a little mad at the situation. Eventually you come across a topic in your head: Graduation.
yeah. Graduation. I’m sure he’s only had to talk to every relative, past teacher and adult-friend in his existance about that. But that’s all you have, so you chew the fat about that for a little while.
A very little while. Then you are REALLY out of things to say.
See, Bridget. This is the reason I TOLD you to think of something else to do. Hell, BOWLING would have been better. He even LOOKS like a good bowler!
After about 4 months, you arrive at the theatre. You make a lamn joke about how your car got keyed at this theatre last time you were here. You shouldn’t have. Now Sophia’s laughing like a hyena. Her hair is also far more out of placed than it was when she got in the car. And the windows were rolled up.
In the theatre, it’s completely empty. You all buy your tickets. keep in mind, that you pay for your own. oh, so this isn’t a date….and you find your theatre and seats. You and your friend are the first two sitting…Where is Sophia and Nate? Who knows?
They emerge just before the movie plays. The Green Lantern. Okay, so this movie doesn’t suck…just the people I’m with. Your friend turns around and talks to the couple once in a while and you get that feeling that you get when you sit with your brother’s friends and he’s not there. Out of place. Lost. but there is really nothing that you can do about it.
Flash-forward through a not-terrible movie. You leave. Get to the car. Sophia realizes that she left her wallet in the theatre. Yeah, I bet she did. Of course, she and Nate BOTH need to go retrieve it. it’s a two-person job.
Que you, sitting with your friend in the car. Okay, we can listen to some music. Good. That’s something that we’ve always talked about. He starts talking about his band. You ask if there are any gigs coming up that you could go to. Nope, no gigs right now. Dammit, that was more of a conversation bit than an actual question.
Sophia and Nate are back. Hair looks like she just woke up from a nightmare. Somehow, she STILL. CHEWS. GUM. Seriously, right now you are reminded of that ever-present piece of gum in the movie Nick and Norah’s Infinate Playlist.
Drive back…
More awkward lack-of-conversation on the ride back. More making-out in the back seat.
your friend asks the other two what they thought of the movie. You had said it was good, and you KNOW a good movie when you see it. It’s not on the top of any list, but it didn’t suck. Sophia said she could have seen it on Disney Channel. She’s young enough for you to ask her “You watch that alot, huh?”
Your friend laughs. Nate chuckles. Sophia looks confused.
When you pull into the sketchy subway/family dollar parking lot, it’s 12:15. It’s also cold as March.
Your friend thanks all for coming to see the movie. says goodbye to Nate and Sophia, and then you extend your hand for a firm shake, to avoid that awkward hug that was inevitable.
You get into your car, pull out of Sketch Lot, and starts cussing, the whole 40 minutes back home.
And then you realize you also have to pay for gas tonight. You are literally on Empty.
Well, needless to say I’m not doing THAT ever again. And I hope Sophia gets some type of disease.

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