I spend so much time thinking about who I want to be when I grow up.
I want to write. I want to dance. I want to sing. I want to act. I want to make music. I want to sell books. I want to sew. I want to travel. I want to teach. I want to build things. I want to capture things.
I want everything, and I'm afraid that I can't have it all at the same time.
Do you ever catch yourself thinking about your future plans in a rotation?
Like, every summer you see your life going one direction, and it's the only direction that makes sense. Every single summer, you want to grow up to be this one person, who is talented, and worldly and objective and always loving and never without adventure and catching all of the wonderful opportunities that fall into their lap, because that's what Karma or Fate has set up to grace them with. Every summer, I'm planning on becoming that woman. It's like summer is who you want to be, because she takes the leap. I want to be Summer.
Then Fall comes and ruins all of that, with reality, and different ideals. I don't know if I like them better.
My objectivity about situations and life and love disappear. Slowly, but surely, I feel pain more and take time to focus on things in a more realistic and blunt way. It's like removing the proverbial rose-colored glasses from in front of your eyes. The truth is, I see what's in front of me then. Right that moment, I see all of the truth about who I'm not in the face of who I wanted to be. Did I ever really want to be Summer anyway? Fall is so much more realistic, with her step-by-step motions and tried-and-true outcomes. How would I know if Summer was going to be all that I thought she was in my projected image anyway? Maybe I'd get there and feel like I had skipped steps for something that turned out to be something that I didn't really want. Where do you go from there? Fall might not be so bad. Fall seems to be a good foundation for many things, without any of the risks. Fall seems...safe.
Winter comes slowly at first, and then all at once. And when I'm with Winter, I'm stagnant, with a million plans, and not one of them taking shape. I want to be the same person who I am now, but Greater. The same, only more developed mentally, with more money, and more stories, and less sensitivity to what others think of me. Yet somehow, I turn into the frozen Mississippi; solid and unmoving on top with everything rushing underneath. Winter becomes tiresome quickly.
Spring is the one who is curious and watching, willing to be tugged in whatever direction the fresh, cool wind will take her. Things will take her fancy, and she'll follow them for a good deal of time, obsess over them, learn much about them, and then when she lulls, they'll be tucked away, waiting to be pulled out another day. But Spring never has any concrete plans of the the Long-Term persuasion. At least, none that she has thought about enough to put into action.
I rotate like this, or in a similar fashion, every single year, taking only a few different directions.
All I know is that I'm always influenced by everyone around me. I spend so much of my time around people who have made their whole world out of so much of their own raw being. Their talents seem to pave the way for anything they could ever want to do. \I look at myself and want to be so much of that.
I'm just so afraid I won't be that.
Or worse, if I ever do become that, I'll be too busy looking at the Inspiration to appreciate where I am.
I think I'm afraid of not knowing how to grow up.
Much love, Best Wishes